Sometimes the voice of our Father comes as jus the hint of a thought. Sometimes it comes as a fully formed idea that may be slightly outside our normal pervue. Sometimes it comes in the form of an opportunity or a window…a tiny crack that shines some light into our world and makes say “ooooh what’s that?”. Then sometimes it comes with slamming doors that form a path that we must follow. That’s me. Sometimes I feel like livestock being herded into a smaller and smaller path until I have no choice but to proceed in the direction He has planned for me. This is never the direction I want to go. It goes against my nature, or what I perceive to be my nature.
Once I was told that God never healed me because my faith wasn’t strong enough (speaking of my leg and the way in which I was born). Doctors could not fix it. I lived most of my life in such intense pain and most those closest to me didn’t realize. Some of my closest friends could probably think of one moment in which they were able to see a glimpse of the physical pain I had that was sort of an “a-ha!”. I’ve had several tell me “you know I didn’t know it hurt you until….(fill in the blank with the story or occasion)”. My mother even had a story of the moment she realized how much physical pain I really was in. I was an adult before she did. My point is that, even though I had pain to the point that there were days I couldn’t walk, it didn’t even cross my mind that God should “heal” me. Why would it when He made me this way? For some reason, I grew up thinking there was a reason I was the way I was. I still don’t know entirely and won’t know until I am in HIS presence (and then, really, will I care?), but I suspect it was the first slamming door…that first guiding hand pushing me down a path.
I won’t go through my whole life and each shaping push that led me to where I am now, but God is definitely pushing me right now. He is telling me that my focus should be on family, home, my children’s education, and on spiritual growth. My confession is that I desire professional recognition and a paycheck that helps to give me my very own sense of value. Every time I try down that path, God starts whispering. Of course I’m deaf, so He puts up signs. I’m blind, too, so this is where the slamming doors and the herding begins. Growth doesn’t have to be painful. I am the one who makes it that way.
So I say now, “I hear you and I will follow”. I will not be “working from home”. I do not have even an hour a day to devote to any sort of home based business. Any time I give to such a thing, takes away from those things that He has made it clear should be my focus. Home based businesses are so tempting because I see people around me, left and right, succeeding. I applaud them. Instead of wanting what they have, I finally see that that is their path and not my own. Sooooooooo, I’m not sure if I’ll keep my Etsy store up and running with my crafts or just continue to give and donate them. I do know I’m closing out my Tupperware account.
I love and support my friends still working in their home based businesses. I will purchase products that I use from you guys, but I can’t make purchases for products that I don’t. I know that’s probably a given to you ladies, but me and my guilt. 🙂 I feel bad when I can’t buy from everyone because I’ve been there and so feel the need to apologize.